The Doctor is in! While my wife continues to slave away to create a fake building that has no impact on the rest of her career, I’ve been relegated to housewife. It’s been really demanding going to the gym every day, having long Netflix marathons in my “SPs” (sweatpants), and eating my “TSS” (tuna salad sandwich) for lunch while I await the big move to Pittsburgh. And while I enjoy cooking barefoot in the kitchen as much as the next gal, sometimes I just need a release, ya know? Luckily, my wife is not the only one with the acerbic wit. Many of you are residing in the similar circle of Dante’s Inferno as my wife, and for all of you, I have some words of wisdom to help you ace thesis.
Unless you’re one of those future ‘everyone gets a gold medal’ parents, everyone wants to win thesis. And why wouldn’t you? It’s not just about prestige; it’s about the cash. After spending an extra year (or two) of your life and tuition money on a degree you could’ve gotten at any other school in the country for less, you should be entitled to some reparations. And as good as those second-place chocolate pretzels from last year must taste, nothing can beat the taste of cheddar.
But with the competition so fierce, how do you come away with the big win? Read on.
-2 words: Bow Tie.
-There are a couple of fashion archetypes that seem to recur:
-The “I’m Going To Try And Distract The Male Judges”
-The “Don Draper”
-The “My Unkempt Outfit Reflects My Attitude Towards My Project”
-The “My Thick-Rimmed Glasses Convey Intellectualism”
The Project/The Board:
-Try to put things (and renderings) into perspective.
-Find a bacteria that just happens to create the exact material that you want. Judges aren’t scientists!
-Bring a blank board to thesis. When questioned? “White Space.”
-The use of laser pointers, Prezis, and iPads will wow the judges, many of whom are still confused as to why you would text on a cell phone when you can just call.
-Argue with the judges. This will most certainly convey that you know more about architecture than they do.
-Be sure to explain to the judges that this thesis is truly a work in progress, you wish you had more months to “examine it more fully,” and that you plan to improve upon it for the rest of your adult life.
-When you’re conveying your ideas, visually grimace and speak slowly. That way, judges will know that the act of verbalizing your brilliant thoughts is incredibly difficult.
-The bigger the phrases you use, the better. “Create a dialogue,” “Develop a construct,” “Serves as a catalyst,” “Wonderful exuberance.”
-A sub-point: we all know you got those phrases from Barack Obama.
-As awesome as like, your project was like, to do, you should probably like, put more thought into what you say.
-Consistent with most events in Western history, expect your fate to be decided by a Caucasian male. Last year, 8 of the judges were female (10.2%); one judge was African American (1.2%). The remaining were Caucasian males; of those, 29 (42%) were bald or had gray hair.
Good luck to all of you. By taking these tips to heart, and with luck, you will surely earn the gold medal at Drexel’s Architecture Olympics.
And as always, “there’s nothing higher than an architect.”